Surviving

Survivor: the remainder of a group of people or things; a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

This word, the reason I hate going to a doctor I haven’t seen since I was diagnosed,  the reason I don’t want to explain to people what I’m healing from. The guilt I have for even using the word. Take for example tonight I decided to wear this shirt to bed, it’s been in my closet since the day of the breast cancer walk because I don’t believe I’m worthy of it.

In my mind..

Watching what others must go through it makes me feel grateful for my diagnosis. I didn’t have to go through chemo. I was able to be “cured” with a double mastectomy and radiation.  I don’t require lifelong drugs and am at the NED  (No Evidence of Disease) stage.  This is why the word survivor is so hard for me.  I see the struggles others have to go through and my heart aches for them.

Cancer took away part of my body but has really f’d with my head in crazy ways.

This way of thinking is completely nuts but it’s the things you think about when you are surrounded by others that suffer so much more! I don’t want them to suffer, I don’t want them to worry about not seeing their children grow up or that at any moment another spot will show up. I want them to be free of cancer just like me.

This is how I am surviving.